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.Razors are just easier.But I don’t tel him.I can at least have that secret.“There’s some in the bathroom I share with Dylan,” Guy says.“I don’t know about my dad’s.”“Do you real y think you can just take away the razor blades and I’l magical y stop being in pain? Do you think I’l just quit? I can get more.I can do other things.I can…” I stop.I shouldn’t be saying this.I should let them believe whatever they want.“You have to stop, honey.You can’t hurt yourself like this anymore.”“Why? You don’t even get it, Guy.I’ve done this since I was twelve years old.I’m not hurting myself.I’m making myself feel better.You can’t take this from me.I won’t make it.”He sucks in a breath and I realize how he must have taken that.I’m not suicidal.I’m not going to kil myself.I just don’t want to go completely insane.“I don’t know what to do,” Mason admits.His eyes flick between me and Guy.I laugh soundlessly.“There’s nothing you can do.”T19MasonI haven’t seen Hope since Saturday night.She kicked me and Guy out of her bedroom.And when Kel in and I went home Sunday afternoon, she hadn’t left the room once.I spent the rest of Sunday alternating between texting and cal ing her.Both of which she ignored, so I talked to Guy a few times.Apparently she wasn’t speaking to him either, but Annie assured him she was al right.Just real y pissed off.I lean against my car, ear buds in place, and wait for her to pul into the school parking lot.It’s hard to believe it’s only been a week.It’s hard to believe it’s already been a week.Time has meant nothing lately.Up until `*nodser tosterday, that is.God, yesterday stretched out so long.It was the first time I haven’t seen or spoken to her since the day we met.I freaking hated it, which is screwed up.The whole thing is screwed up.Hope told me she was damaged.Said she would fuck me up.And she was right.I don’t know if she realized she’d fuck me al up just by refusing to talk to me.But she has.The old Bel Air pul s in and I sigh loudly.Not sure how she’l react today, I head toward the doors to wait for her.She looks like she always does.I don’t know why, but I expected her to be different.I don’t know.Sad or something.I move in beside her and brush my shoulder into hers.“Hey.”“Hey.” She doesn’t look at me.“How are you?”“I’m fine.”“What did you do yesterday?”“Worked on a couple new songs.”“Oh, what about?”“Just lyrics like I always write.”I stop and take her hand.“Look at me.”“What?” Her voice is neutral and calm and I’ve learned quickly that isn’t a good sign.Her eyes meet mine and she looks at me like she always does only there’s something cold in her gaze.“I don’t understand why you won’t talk to me,” I say.She rol s her eyes and pul s her hand away.“I am talking to you.”“But you’re not saying anything.I cal ed you twenty times yesterday.Text you.”&nbfnt sazenbsp;&nbp She takes a step closer to me and my stomach tightens in response.I want to pul her against me.I want to hug her and breathe her in.“I’m giving you your out.” And then she turns around and walks away.What the hell? I don’t want an out.She’s playing her damn games with me again.Pushing me away.Assuming.Making my choices for me.Wel fuck that.I push my way through the hal way traffic and grab her arm, guiding her until her back is against the lockers.“I stil want you.” Hope’s eyes squint into a glare.“I’m not a pity project.”I shake my head at the ceiling.“Park put that shit in your head.I don’t pity you.I liked you before I knew.I stil like you.”“Then there is something seriously wrong with you.” She pushes off the lockers, trying to walk away, and I push her back with my body.She’s starting to piss me off.“There is something wrong with me.I freaking know that.And there’s something wrong with you.I don’t give a shit.I feel good when I’m with you.I want you so bad I can’t even think straight.You are one of the coolest girls I’ve ever met and I want to know you.Stop using bitchiness as a form of self defense and let me in.”“You didn’t even ask me.You shoved yourself on me.” She takes a breath that shakes her smal frame.“You held me down and looked.You pul ed up my shorts.” She’s struggling to speak now and I’m staring at her in shock.A cold shiver runs over me as dread sets in.I didn’t mean it to be like that.I wasn’t trying to hurt her or scare her.I didn’t think.Maybe one of the biggest, most important pieces of the Hope puzzle is revealed in her frantic eyes.Who made her like this? What happened to her?“Hope…” I don’t know what to say.She shoves me away.“You should have trusted me.”I laugh dryly at that.“Maybe I shouldn’t have handled it the way I did, but don’t say I should’ve trusted you.” I lean@yousp;&n my face close to her ear.“Your point is moot since you are, in fact, a cutter.”“I hate you,” she spits and propels herself off the wal past me.I let her go this time because I can’t believe she said that.At the same time, I know I deserve it.I thrust my fist into the locker.The clang of flesh against metal rings throughout the hal.People turn to gawk at me.I kind of want to tel them to fuck off, but instead, I do an about face and go to class.*******I walk into Biology fourth period and Hope is already sitting at a table.Her feet are resting on the chair in front of her.My chair, though she wouldn’t know that since she hasn’t been in school since I started.I place a box of grape Nerds on top of the table and slide it toward her slowly.Her eyes narrow on the candy before she swipes it onto the floor.Twisting her lips in disgust, she opens her book and adamantly ignores me.I scoop up the candy and shove it in my backpack.Message received loud and clear.Her feet drop as I reach for my chair.I sit sideways and clear my throat.“Hey,” I say.Besides the stiffening of her shoulders, Hope makes no indication she hears me.“Hope,” I say louder.“I know you’re pissed, but—” She looks up quickly, her gaze sharp enough to slice me in half.“Don’t.”I freeze.Half of me is relieved that she’s showing some kind of emotion, even if it’s anger.The other half hates that it’s directed at me.“I screwed up,” I say.“I get it, al right?”Both brows rise and she scoffs at me.Her voice is low when she speaks.“You don’t get shit, Mason.That’s the point.”“I would if you talked to me,” I fire back.She shakes her head.“Just leave me alone.”But I don’t want to leave her alone.I want to make her see that I wasn’t trying to hurt her.I want her to nbspantsp;&nbsnderstand that I would never hurt her.I open my mouth to tel her, but she shoves her chair back, plucks her book bag from the back and strol s out the door just as the bel rings.The girl beside me smiles and scoots her seat closer to mine.I force my own smile before fixing my eyes on the door, waiting for Hope to come back.She doesn’t.T20HopeI’m shaking when I close myself in the bathroom.It took everything in me not to hit Mason with my book bag.I can’t believe I actual y al owed myself to feel anything for him.I told him things.I got close to him.I know better than that.I trusted him.I trusted him.Maybe it’s my stupidity that’s bothering me most.My legs go weak and I sit heavily on the disgusting floor
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