[ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]
.Idon't want to waste my time, and I don't want to waste your time andmoney.Are you interested in committing a certain amount of time andenergy to finding out if things can be changed in a way that would beexciting and interesting enough for you to be together again? Or haveyou already committed yourself someplace else?"If there aren't any positive intentions that they are willing to reveal, itmay be that there isn't any basis for negotiation.Suppose she is alreadymadly in love with someone else and carrying on an affair.It's just aquestion of getting rid of this creep and moving on.That's what's often 160called a "hidden agenda." Getting explicit about a basis for negotiationand framing the overall process will smoke out hidden agendas, andthat does everybody a favor!Woman: If that's the case, since your investment is not to keep themtogether, doesn't she still need to work out the separation with you?Wouldn't she need to work out how to leave him and go to the otherman?Yes, if she's ready.And I've got to help him recover whatever parts ofhimself he has invested in being with her.Challenging the negotiation frame usually scares them, and moti-vates them both to put more effort into finding mutually acceptablesolutions.Then I can go for outcomes, or meta-outcomes the out-come of the outcome."Jean, what would knowing that you are secure do for you?'"George, what would knowing that you are attractive to other femalesdo for you?" Both will probably say, in effect, "Well, I'd have a sense ofself-worth for myself that I don't really have now." Now I've got afurther loosening of the frame.In order to loosen the frame I can go tooutcomes, or meta-outcomes, or meta-meta-outcomes."Jean, arethere any other ways to get self-worth?" Typically if I go that deep intointentions, there will be many behaviors which will satisfy that need.When you get that general, you're going to have to do a lot of experien-tial testing, because they really won't know at that point if the alterna-tive behaviors will be acceptable.One of the first things I do is to engage in negotiation to establish athree-month moratorium on sexual activities outside of this relation-ship during which time he will have a chance to try out some of the newbehaviors which will satisfy the needs that he has which monogamydenies at this point.That will also give her three months to engage allher resources in finding ways to discover how she can develop securityfor herself and in this relationship, so that the notion of his beinginvolved with another woman doesn't threaten her in the way it pres-ently does.As we mentioned before, I can send them out to find models.I'd askthe wife "Are any of the women that you know and really respect in anon-monogamous relationship? How do they take care of their senseof security?" I'd say to the husband "Do you know any men who youreally respect and admire, and who are monogamous and perfectlysatisfied with their own desirability? Good, I want you to go hang outwith them and find out what they do." 161The search for alternative behaviors can be carried out internallywith all their unconscious resources, and also externally by usingmodels around them.Don't be afraid to give them homework.Havethem go out and find appropriate models to watch and listen to.Woman: You said if there's a basis for negotiation, then there'salways a frame in which there is a possibility for change.Those two things are synonymous.By frame or basis for negotiationI mean "Is there some common outcome which you can both agree to?For instance, are you committed to staying with this woman? Are youcommitted to staying with this man?" That may be the only frame thatthey can agree on, and of course each of them may have conditions.Once they have agreed on an outcome frame, then you can negotiateon the way of achieving it."George, there is some set of behaviors thatwill satisfy your needs and still be within the frame of your staying withthis woman." "Jean, there are some behaviors that we're going to haveto discover for you which will allow you to stay with this man and stillhave the kind of security that you desire.Our task now is to discoverwhat those behaviors are."Man: When you ask the framing question, and one of them responds"I don't know if I want to stay together or not" how do you proceedfrom there?Then I negotiate for a trial period of trying out new choices."George, are you willing to spend three months accepting this con-straint of being monogamous which you consider artificial?" Or "Jean,are you willing to spend three months not accepting the constraint thatyou desire for your security, in order to find out whether there arebehaviors that can be discovered which will satisfy you within thisframework?"Being very explicit becomes important at this point.Whenever thereis a head-on-head disagreement about a certain piece of behaviorwithin the relationship, then jump out to the outcome frame and findout if there is one that is acceptable.If there is one, you can proceed.Ifthere's not, you may as well be explicit about that and save everybodytime.Finding a common outcome or agreement frame between membersof a family, couple, or organization is a very important step that manytherapists or consultants miss.They usually attempt to find specificsolutions too soon, and then there are objections.I'd like to have youdo an exercise in which your primary task is to find a commonoutcome.If you also have time to identify a workable solution, fine. 162Do this in four-person groups.A and B are members of a couple ororganization.C is the programmer.D will be the meta-person.I wantC to specify the context business or therapy.A and B will thengenerate some conflict, and C, the programmer will do the following:Agreement Frame Exercise1) Ask A and B what, specifically, they want, and then restate it totheir satisfaction as a pace
[ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]
