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.I notice Jesika s car is gone when I pull behind Derek s truck.I m more than happy to seeDerek playing grill master because come to think of it, I haven t eaten all day.That explains the nowaudible stomach pains I m feeling.I shut my door and walk through the carport to the brick porch in the back where Derek is standingby the grill holding a spatula in one hand and a beer in the other, Damn bro, you making enough forme? I pat Derek on the back.Jaxon and Emma run up to me yelling Uncle Seth, Uncle Seth! I givethem both hugs as they ask me to jump on the trampoline with them. I will before I leave guys.Let me hang out with the chef for a lil while. I rub Jaxon s head beforethey both take off.When it comes to these kids, I m a man of my word.I walk into Derek s detachedgarage to grab a beer from the fridge he has in there. Hey, grab me one too! he yells.I twist the lid off before I hand him the cool bottle and then do the same to mine, and take a seat onthe steps of his back porch. Why didn t you tell me? You know I would have dropped everything and came back. Derek sbody tenses as he flips a few more burgers.He lets out a sigh before turning around and taking a seat next to me. I don t know man.I hadJesika, my own wife, telling me to stay out of it.That it was Mallory s choice.To an extent, I agreed.Iwanted to call you up and tell you what happened.Hell, I tried to call your phone, but it went straightto voicemail. He takes a swig of his beer. I guess I m glad I didn t have to be the one to tell you,especially over the phone. Shit, my phone was broke.No one could have gotten ahold of me.Derekgets really quiet.I know he feels bad for not saying anything, but who am I to judge him when I keptmy own shit and even shit dealing with him hidden? I did it for the sake of you re better off notknowing.I peel at the damp label on my bottle. It fucking sucks man.All of this bullshit fucking sucks, butwhat happened to Mallory fucking sucks more than any of it.She was hurt and lost her baby becauseof me.I ll never forgive myself for that and there s no way she d be able to either. Derek stands up. Dude, are you serious right now? It was your baby too.You think she blamesyou? I don t answer him. If anything, you re the only one that can help her.You re the only one shewants. Well, I m pretty sure we ve had this conversation before and all of this shit just proves that I mnot entitled to the happy-go-lucky life.It s not for me.Single and on the road is my only hope of anysort of happiness. I know that isn t true, but right now it seems to be the only legit thing I have going.I need to be as far away from Mallory as possible and unable to cause her anymore pain.At first it willsuck ass, but with time all things get better.Right? Where s your wife? She went over to Mallory s.Said she was worried about her because she was supposed to call herthis morning and never did and wouldn t answer Jes calls.You wouldn t know anything about it,would you? Like I said, I stayed the night with her.We needed each other last night.Especially after she toldme she lost the baby.I was torn up and didn t know how to take it.Man, the last six weeks I have beenfucking pumped to get back home and beg Mallory back& to have the family life.Then I get back and find out that again that isn t in my cards.That shit is just not for me Derek.Every time I let myfucking guard down and think maybe, just maybe this time it ll all work out, it fucking goes to shit,and destroys me just a little bit more.But this time it took out someone I care about as well.I can tdeal with that again.And I won t be responsible for her getting hurt again.I care about her too much. I finally admit that I have feelings for her to someone other than myself. I really hate that all of this is happening to you& to you both, but dammit Seth, sometimes thething you need the most is the thing you are pushing away.Do you not think that what you and Malneed right now more than anything is each other? That you two have the power to fix each other swounds.I hope your stubborn ass realizes that before it s too late. I don t really have anything left tosay about the situation.I made up my mind when I left that note for her and that s that. Have you talked to mom? Derek asks changing the subject.I sigh, No, I haven t.She s kind of the reason I had a broken phone.I had called her and it went tovoicemail.I left her a fucking dickhead message and then threw my phone against the wall.I m notsure I want to talk to her anytime soon, I admit. Seth, she is our mom.I think you should at least hear her out.And then make your choice. I pickup one of the kids baseballs that are next to the step and move my fingers along the thread.I grip it inmy hand fully taking in the feel of it and close my eyes and picture us as kids in the middle of thestreet playing ball.We might have grown up on what some might consider the rough side of town, butwe had a good childhood.I pull my arm back and making sure the kids aren t in my line of fire, I letthat baseball sail across their backyard. Glad to know that arm still works. Yeah.I haven t thrown a ball in years. I stand up, About mom& I ll deal with her sooner or later.I know I need to talk to her.I probably won t ever want to until the day I m forced to. Jesika walks outside holding baby Journey and I have the strangest urge to hold her.I m not onJesika s good side right now, but that doesn t stop me from walking up to her. Can I? I hold my arms out.I see sympathy in her eyes as she carefully hands her over.Knowinghow close I was to having a child of my own, and now holding this precious girl who melts my heart, Iknow I have to have one someday, somehow
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